The United States has celebrated those who have served in the military with various holidays including Memorial Day, Armistice Day (now called Veterans Day), Armed Forces Day, and Women Veterans Day. Veterans Day is a federal holiday to honor all military Veterans and is observed annually on November 11. While it is important to honor and thank those Veterans for their service to our country, the quiet and unacknowledged group who often helps ensure those Veterans are supported back home are known as “military dependents.” These are the spouses, partners, children, and other family members who are defined as the individuals the military member supports for purposes of pay and benefits. Military dependents are the families who are responsible for filling in homelife needs when the military member is deployed and away for short or long stretches of time. It isn’t an easy role, and while the dependent isn’t part of the military itself their lives are impacted by the military in unique ways many in the public have no awareness of. Most of us who are, or have been, military dependents are aware our duty to our country is to help our service member succeed in their role and we do not seek any recognition for this. We just know that what we do is important for our loved one to do their job well.
I’d like to share my own story as the dependent of a member so that you might better understand the behind-the-scenes family life of a military Veteran both serving and now retired from service. My husband Brian started his military service in 1981 as an airman in the U.S. Air Force active duty where he served for six years, including overseas in England. He eventually moved his service commitment to the Alabama Air National Guard (ALANG), and then to the Mississippi Air National Guard (MSANG), where he ultimately retired in 2019. On 9/11 he was still a member of the Alabama ANG when he was called up and his unit activated in response.
This personal story is the part about being a military dependent I rarely discuss, mostly because it is still something I cannot talk about without it bringing up a lot of mixed emotions. Following the horrific events of 9/11, within hours my husband and I knew instinctively he would be called back to active duty. I immediately made an appointment the next day with a local civilian lawyer to update our wills in case anything happened to him, or myself, as we still had one child at home in school. Within a few days my husband received a phone call from his commanding officer to inform him he was being called up to active duty with no idea where he would go or for how long. I remember telling him, “I know you are worried about me and the kids at home, but don’t. I’ve got this, so just worry about what you have to do for your job. The light is always on at home waiting on you to come home.” But inside I was thinking about all the small things he does for the family I don’t even think about, like changing the lightbulbs when they go out or feeding the dogs in the morning, that now would fall to me and my son. I was silently worried that something could happen to my husband, or he could be sent into a dangerous situation. I felt I couldn’t let him know I felt because he didn’t need to add that worry to the worry he already had. We packed up everything he might possibly need to take for any type of assignment or environment he might find himself sent to.
During this time I was commuting 2 hours each way to my job as a nurse-midwife that often required I stay overnight at the hospital I worked at. Our daughter was off at college, and our son was a junior in high school. Imagine leaving your high school kid overnight to fend for themselves! Thankfully, he was a great kid and I think instinctively knew he had to grow up quickly.
My husband’s unit was mobilized and sent to South Carolina where he was told he would be there for one year. During that time he was sent overseas to set up communications equipment in preparation for the war in Afghanistan. But then came the day I was at work and my husband called to tell me the news: they had extended my husband’s active-duty time another year. I literally burst into tears thinking how lonely I was now, how could I make it another year? I felt overwhelmed with the need to keep myself together but feeling like I was coming apart at the seams and had nobody in my life who I felt would understand. There were sympathetic friends and family, but I didn’t want sympathy, I wanted someone who was going through this to talk with, and I didn’t know anyone who was in my situation. It was hard.
During the second year Brian was working to set up communications for Operation Iraqi Freedom. My heart was heavy with the strain it was putting on our family and trying to keep working in a distant town with a job I loved. And I couldn’t talk about it much with my co-workers or family because nobody I had around me was a military dependent. I wasn’t living near the base he was assigned to in the Air National Guard, so I didn’t have any support structure in the way I needed support. Many people hear about military deployments and think all the families live on the military bases, but this is far from the truth. We all aren’t near a military base with support structures, especially those of us who have members in non-active-duty assignments.
In the end Brian returned home after two years of active-duty service. During that time he had missed our son’s last two years of high school and his high school graduation. He had missed many other family member’s important family life events. When he did return home, we had to adjust to having him in the home again, and he had to adjust to how we had been living for two years without him. Things were not the same as they had been when he left, the energy in the house was different, and we all had to be patient as he fit back into the daily live events in the family. It wasn’t easy. But this is the kind of thing that military families deal with all the time.
I’ve shared this story not because I want anyone to feel sorry for me, or my family, but because by reading my story perhaps you might think about what military family members might need, and yet not ask for. Things like asking how they are doing emotionally, are there connections that can be made with people going through similar experiences, identifying resources available for military dependents who need family support. Family support is particularly important when having a military member reintegrating into the family following a long deployment to help set realistic expectations for coming home. Things are not as they were when that service member left. They cannot just step back into the same place they left. Adjustment happens, and there are things to be done that can help a smooth readjustment to family life.
I’m proud of my husband’s 38 years of service to our country in the U.S. Air Force and Air National Guard. The honors and remembrance should focus on the Veterans. But we would also do well to remember the military families and their sacrifice as well when we remember what military members are doing to protect our country. Military families are a quiet group of people when it comes to wanting acknowledgement. All of us should remember to thank the families and the Veterans, but more importantly we should find ways to support them. I’m honored to count myself as a military spouse of a now retired Veteran. I strongly feel that over the years I too contributed to the safety and security of our nation by supporting and caring for my husband as he served in the U.S. Armed Forces. Happy Veterans Day to all who served and thank you to all the families who are quietly behind the scenes.
Sharon Holley, DNP, CNM, FACNM, FAAN (MSN 1996), is an Associate Professor and the Director of the Nurse-Midwifery Pathway, which returned to the School in fall 2022. Holley is a graduate of the first iteration of UAB’s nurse-midwife program in 1996. In 2016, Holley was named a Fellow of the American College of Nurse-Midwives and in 2022, was named a Fellow of the American Academy of Nursing.
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